fussy wussy was a bear

WTF assholes?!? Yep, that's right, I'm an infant and I'm already hip to the texting lingo. Oh yeah, and I also just called my parents assholes - what are you gonna do about it?

So yeah...so much for my sweet baby enjoying bath time. In fact, he downright hates it, which, in turn, makes me feel like he pretty much hates me. Actually, there are quite a few times during the day when I feel like this little bundle of joy would gladly sock me to the moon (if he had control of his limbs, that is). Most of these precious moments occur when the little angel is hungry, which seems to pretty much be EVERY SECOND of the day. Seriously, remember this nugget from my blog last fall:

"I was quietly enjoying his nightly aerobics routine when WHAM! Seriously ladies, Kung Fu chop to the pelvis is putting it mildly. I know, I know, this little babe doesn't even weigh a full pound yet, but he's got guns. Or maybe he's practicing his roundhouse kick a la Chuck Norris. Either way, whoa baby - this kid's got some serious energy. So glad my uterine wall can serve as his personal punching bag."

Or what about this pleasant memory...

"Let me introduce you to what I lovingly refer to as the stomach spasm. This oh-so enjoyable maneuver is what I can only describe as a series of vibrating jumping jacks - all limbs, all directions, major vibration."

See, now I know what the kid was doing in there all that time...I was apparently starving him (can you say "worst mom ever?") and he was going straight nutso. Yep, apparently my generous diet of Donettes and Take Fives didn't satisfy the little human trash compactor because, honestly, when the kid wants food, he lets you know in his own not-so-subtle way. Enter the kicking and punching and going balls-to-the-wall ballistic.

Luckily, I may still have no idea what I'm doing when it comes to parenting, but I have learned to pop a bottle in this kiddo's mouth before he gets to the point of no return. I know, I know...call me what you will, but my sanity - and my body - just couldn't handle the fist fights multiple times a day. Seriously, no one wants to walk around with cracked glasses and a busted lip courtesy of their one-month old baby. Talk about taking the hot mess factor to a whole other level!


Janet Scott said...

Sara! You make Nanny and Scotty laugh. Gotta keep laughing or else you'd be crying..... Three weeks of Babydom under your belts and despite both sleep and solitude deprivation you guys are hanging tight with Oinky McGee. You should be able to stay ahead of him for a while. FTL, he's not even ten pounds yet! Couldn't love you more if I tried. And couldn't love the little hoover more either.

Newly Nalevanko said...

Hang in there babe! He will realize soon enough he has the best momma out there! Xo!

Si Si said...

Sara - I love it that you tell it like it is - not all happy goo goo and ga ga. Thanks for the insight. I won't take it personally if Sam is a little "fussy" and I am not going to give him a BATH!! LOL JK

Sam - Hang on, I'm coming soon!!!