lessons for my daughter.

Baby girl, 20 weeks.

As anyone who knows me knows, I'm a little bit of a momma's girl. I talk to my mom everyday, show up at her house unannounced, stalk her at the gym (although not so much these days) and, above all else, hang onto her every word when it comes to motherly advice. Seriously, if I had a dime for every little nugget of life wisdom she's given me over the years, I'd be rollin' in the dough.

Now, while I'm confident that I, too, will surprise myself with the life lessons I'll whip up out of thin air when the time comes, the idea of having a baby girl has got me thinking about what I wish for her and her life. Health, happiness, at least one Bieber-level rock star crush....you know, the usual stuff.

Fortunately for me, I still have a little bit of time to think about these things, and I can always turn to the professionals when it comes to this stuff. You know, like Tina Fey (and my mom, of course.)


Tina Fey's "A Mother's Prayer for Her Daughter", via Parents

First, Lord: No tattoos. May neither Chinese symbol for truth nor Winnie-the-Pooh holding the FSU logo stain her tender haunches.

May she be Beautiful but not Damaged, for it's the Damage that draws the creepy soccer coach's eye, not the Beauty.

When the crystal meth is offered, may she remember the parents who cut her grapes in half.

And stick with beer.

Guide her, protect her when crossing the street, stepping onto boats, swimming in the ocean, swimming in pools, walking near pools, standing on the nearby subway platform, crossing 86th Street, stepping off of boats, using mall restrooms, getting on and off escalators, driving on country roads while arguing, leaning on large windows, walking in parking lots, riding Ferris wheels, roller coasters, log flumes, or anything called "Hell Drop," "Tower of Torture," or "The Death Spiral Rock N Zero G Roll Featuring Aerosmith," and standing on any kind of balcony ever, anywhere, at any age.

Lead her away from Acting, but not all the way to Finance.

Something where she can make her own hours but still feel intellectually fulfilled and get outside sometimes

And not have to wear high heels.

What would that be, Lord? Architecture? Midwifery? Golf course design? I'm asking You because if I knew, I'd be doing it, Youdammit.

May she play the drums to the fiery rhythm of her Own Heart with the sinewy strength of her Own Arms, so she need Not Lie With Drummers.

Grant her a rough patch from twelve to seventeen.

Let her draw horses and be interested in Barbies for much too long,

For childhood is short -- a Tiger flower blooming magenta for one day -- and Adulthood is long and Dry-Humping in cars will wait.

O Lord, break the Internet forever,

That she may be spared the misspelled invective of her peers

And the online campaign for Rape Hostel V: Girls Just Wanna Get Stabbed.

And when she one day turns on me and calls me a Bitch in front of Hollister,

Give me the strength, Lord, to yank her directly into a cab in front of her friends,

For I will not have that shit. I will not have it.

And should she choose to be a mother one day, be my eyes, Lord,

That I may see her, lying on a blanket on the floor at 4:50 am, all-at-once exhausted, bored, and in love with the little creature whose poop is leaking up its back.

"My mother did this for me once," she will realize as she cleans feces off her baby's neck.

"My mother did this for me." And the delayed gratitude will wash over her as it does each generation and she will make a Mental note to call me. And she will forget.

But I'll know, because I peeped it with Your God eyes.



Newly Nalevanko said...

She's beautiful, Sar! Just like her mother!

Martine said...

Mother-daughter relationships are so special.

I especially enjoyed (cried at work because I was laughing so hard) the words of Tina.

Missed your blog. And still miss you...

Janet Scott said...

My thing was always "Lord, let them make mistakes. Lots of them. But never one that will ruin their lives or somebody else's life."

So far, so good!

Si Si said...

Nothing better than a little girl or an adult daughter I suppose but Tina nailed it on the "rough patch between 12 and 17". Enjoy the next 12 years and then hold on!!! Having a big brother comes in real handy!!